just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
