I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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