If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
