We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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