Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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