He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
