You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
