I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
