Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
