Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Everclear isn't food dammit
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
