I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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