i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
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I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
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Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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