READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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