He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
