that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
