Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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