my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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