a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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