She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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