She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
