she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
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Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
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I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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