we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You pole danced in your parka.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
