idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
