the new term for farting is butt boxing.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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