So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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