hotel room ftw
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
