guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
