You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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