Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.