My girlfriend figured out who you are.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
