So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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