in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think I sprained my soul last night
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
