i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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