you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
