when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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