Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
