I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
