i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
