I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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