I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
