He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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