my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
