I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
