Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
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you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
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In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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