the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
