She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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