If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
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Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
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They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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