Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
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The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
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"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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