Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
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I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
i've created a new STD.
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Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?