I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place