In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
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Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
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You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?