I want to make a zoo with you.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Randomize
