I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Let's get the cat blown out
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
