I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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