the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
