So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
