We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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