I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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