So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The struggles of a small town man whore
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
