oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
