Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You may now shotgun with the bride
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
COCAINE IS GR8
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
